Making Babies and Stuff

My little baby girl Lily was born on Monday, January 22nd. Click on her picture to be linked to her blog.

The Light of the World...and my Neighbor's Front Yard

Lest we forget the true meaning of Christmas, my neighbor spelled it out...in lights.

The Silence of the Kittens

This is an excerpt from the local paper here in Salt Lake, the Deseret News:

KEARNS, Utah -- A man investigators believe has been collecting free kittens through newspaper classifieds for the purpose of torturing them is being investigated by Salt Lake County Animal Services.
The man was charged with two counts of animal abuse and one count of abandonment, all misdemeanors, in June. He is scheduled to be arraigned on those charges Oct. 17. Now, investigators are looking at other possible abuse cases. Another injured kitten was brought to their attention just last week.
The purpose of the abuse appears to be to keep in contact with a former girlfriend, Animal Services spokeswoman Temma Martin said.
Investigators believe the man has adopted a total of seven or eight kittens over the past few months. Nearly all of them have suffered some type of "accident." After each incident, the man called the former girlfriend so she would come over and help with the injured animal.

Go to http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,650196224,00.html if you are interested in reading the rest of the story.

After reading this story, I think I had the same question as most: who does that? Luckily, I was able to obtain an exclusive interview with the man behind the kitten killings. He, understandably, prefers to remain anonymous and asked to be called Sabre.

The following is the unedited transcript of our exclusive interview:

Scott: So Sabre, not to ignore the 1000-pound gorilla, but before we get into that whole cat-torturing thing, I’d like to get to know the man behind the kittens.

Sabre: I love kittens

Scott: Right, but first lets talk about who you are and what brought you to where you are today.

Sabre: Kearns?

Scott: Yeah Kearns…but not just where you are right now physically but also mentally and emotionally.

Sabre: Oh sure, emotions and whatnot.

Scott: Ok, to start things off, I wanted to ask you if got beat up a lot in school?

Sabre: No… I mean, by a lot do you mean every day?

Scott: Once a week.

Sabre: Oh, yes, then definitely a lot.

Scott: And would you say that you had a lot of girlfriends while you were growing up?

Sabre: Again, I’m not sure what you mean by the term a lot.

Scott: More than 10.

Sabre: No

Scott: More than 5?

Sabre: No.

Scott: Any?

Sabre: No.

Scott: So would it be fair to say that you were a little bit “different” when you were a kid…not part of the crowd most would term “normal?”

Sabre: No, I actually think I was a pretty normal kid doing the same things all other little kids did. I would ride my bike, I would go swimming, I loved to watch people and to follow them. I would collect things…cards, rocks, snakes, weapons, pictures of people that I took when they weren’t looking. I spent a lot of time with my animals.

Scott: Did you have any friends besides the animals?

Sabre: That’s an interesting question. It reminds me of a story. One time I did have this friend named Brian who asked me to his birthday party and then after that I used to follow him around school and then home from school. Sometimes he would know I was there and sometimes not, but most of the times not…you know, like hide-and-seek only he didn’t know we were playing. A few times he caught me and would pretend to get all scared.

Scott: And did he want to be your friend after that?

Sabre: I wanted him to be. I would call him a lot and send him things that I had found…dead

things like fish and birds and stuff and tell him that those things died because he wouldn’t be my friend. I guess it was a little strange, but you know how kids imaginations can be.

Scott: I think that gives us a pretty good background. Now lets get to the topic at hand. You are being accused of abusing cats in order to maintain contact with an ex-girlfriend. I think the first question on everyone’s minds is this: What were you thinking?

Sabre: It’s a complicated situation.

Scott: Start with the girlfriend.

Sabre: Well, we met online. My screen name is Calico7 and hers was Catlover83 so I knew pretty much right away that we would hit it off. At first the relationship was strictly web-based. We would tell each other cat jokes.

Scott: Tell me a cat joke.

Sabre: Ok…. lets see…what is a cat’s favorite color?

Scott: I give.

Sabre: Purrrrrrple!

Scott: That’s good. So you would tell each other jokes…

Sabre: Yeah, we would tell jokes and we would tell each other funny stories about our cats and the crazy things that they had done that day. Like I had this cat named Tabby that would sit and stare at me every morning when I got dressed. I thought that was really funny so I would tell her about it. Then she would tell me about how one of her cats hadn’t moved for three straight days and she thought it was dead but then one day it got up to go to the bathroom.

Scott: Did you guys ever exchange pictures?

Sabre: Sure. We both love picture where cats are seen doing adult things like reading or brushing their teeth or sleeping. We would exchange those all of the time.

Scott: And how did you finally meet?

Sabre: This is really funny. I actually responded to an ad she had put in the paper for a beautiful white Persian she was selling. I showed up to her house and we got to talking and then in walks Pepper, her black Manx, and I recognized him from the pictures. I played it really cool and just leaned over and kissed her.

Scott: Kissed her?

Sabre: Yeah! At first she totally freaked out and started yelling and trying to call the police. I kept trying to tell her who I was but she couldn’t hear over her screaming so finally I just had to show her the picture of the calico I have tattooed on my arm. She immediately realized who I was and the rest…well the rest as they say is history.

Scott: Well, not exactly. How did you go from there to where you are today?

Sabre: It’s a long story that I really don’t want to get into.

Scott: Just give us the short version.

Sabre: The long and short of it is that I loved her and she wasn’t interested in loving anything except her cats.

Scott: Is that why you did what you did?

Sabre: I’m sure it’s a part of it.

Scott: What exactly did you do?

Sabre: Well, put plainly, I killed some cats and hurt some other cats.

Scott: Tell us more about that.

Sabre: About hurting the cats?

Scott: About the whole situation…. about what led to your decision to hurt the cats.

Sabre: Well, it’s pretty simple. There are two things that we both believed are the most beautiful things in the world. The first is the love we shared and the second is kittens. When she destroyed the first, I decided to destroy the second.

Scott: And you did this because…

Sabre: I did this because it was the perfect solution. It was the only way to resurrect that beauty. I sat there after we broke up and I would reread our chats and look back over all of the pictures…the two kittens in the boots, the kitten with sunglasses on, the kitten pretending to drink beer…it was all just too much and at the same time too little. It felt out of balance, like when you walk around with just one sock on. The beauty wasn’t complete without her there.

Scott: And so to bring her there you hurt the cats.

Sabre: Yes. I am sorry that I had to do it but it was the only way. I was hurting them in order to help them. You’ve heard of how broken bones, after they have healed, are stronger than before? Same idea.

Scott: How would you hurt the cats?

Sabre: Usually I would just drop them from high places…my apartment balcony, the top of my building…I dropped one while I was driving. You know that whole thing they say about cats always landing on their feet?

Scott: Yeah.

Sabre: Well it’s true…the only thing they forget to say is that sometimes those feet break when they land extra hard. That’s one thing that I really think they need to mention when they say that.

Scott: So did it work? I mean did luring her over to your house help restore that beauty?

Sabre: You know, for a short time it did. But after like the 12^th kitten she started to get suspicious, started asking a bunch or questions. There are only so many excuses you can make…the cat fell down the stairs, the cat got it’s paw stuck in the door, the cat accidentally got rolled up in a carpet roll. She started to see through my stories. Then one time she caught me putting a cat’s tail down the garbage disposal and she kind of freaked out. She called the cops, filed a protective order, stopped returning my calls, pressed charges. And that is where we are now.

Scott: Crazy story.

Sabre: I guess.

Scott: Any regrets.

Sabre: Lost love.

Scott: Any final words?

Sabre: How do cats end a fight?

Scott: Not sure.

Sabre: They hiss and make up.

When I'm 25

When I was in second grade, I used to brag to my classmates that I had a cousin that was 25. It was a source of pride for me...that someone I knew was that old without being too old. I saw it at the peak of the mountain...the prime of life. I remember once, when I was still a little kid, reading an obituary of a young man who had died at the age of 23 and being sad...not so much because he had died but because he had died before he was 25.

Since then, the age of 25 has been elevated to mythical levels in the minds of my friends and me. My friend Brent and I kept a running list of things we were going to do when we were 25...things we would be too young for before we were 25, too old for after. 25 just seemed like the perfect age for it all. I am 25 now and must say that it is everything I hoped it would be. Below is some of our list with more to come when I find where I put the folder with more lists. Please feel free to add any suggestions in the comments.

Things I am going to do when I am 25:

Kill a bear

Kill a man

Leave my religion

Return to my religion

Steal something from my parents

Grow a ponytail

Become an alcoholic

Overcome alcoholism

Kiss with my eyes open

Get someone fired for something I did.

Spend all night clinging to a keg in the middle of Lake Tahoe

Become a cat lady

Eat dessert before and after dinner

Cut a finger off with a miter saw, put it in a glass of milk, and have the doctor sew it back on

Make a baby on purpose

Steal a kid's trumpet and bash it to pieces in my back yard

Wake up in a pool of blood

Wake up in a pool of hot chocolate

Wake up in a tub of ice with a note telling me I'’m missing my kidneys

Donate both of my kidneys. For money

Visit the black market

Participate in "human trafficking"

Break something and have to pay for it

Sell myself for money

Get bitten by a werewolf

Pretend to be a werewolf and bite people

Torture cats for love

Ride a unicorn

Ride a dolphin

Successfully create a dolphicorn...a cross of a Unicorn and Dolphin

Order a Russian mail-order bride

Evade my taxes

Meet and possibly fight Joey Buttafuoco

Help Screech save his house

Build a full body chainmail suit and wear it into battle

Build a Pope effigy

Donate someone'’s hair to charity

Watch for falling (or pretty) rocks

Spend a year going to bed whenever I feel like it

Go to war with Iraq

Go to war with somewhere in the Netherlands

Grow a beard

Light my beard on fire

Stop, Drop and Roll

It's a Crazy World...Somebody Should Sell Tickets

Are you guys watching these protests over the comments made by the Pope? The whole situation is just dripping with irony. Here is an article I wrote about it:

Fighting Fire with Fire
Muslims around the world react violently to Pope’s claims that Muslims are violent

By Scott Brown

An effigy of the Pope burns in the public square of Srinagar, India.

Thousands congregate in front of the Vatican Embassy in Jakarta, India chanting “Death to the Pope!”

An al Queda-linked group gathers in Cairo, Egypt waving a statement warning Pope Benedict XVI that he and the West are “doomed.”

Similar scenes swept across the Muslim world Monday, as the fire of rage continued to grow over statements made by the Pope in a speech last week. His comments, which some claim label Muslims as a war-loving and violent people, were made at a forum seeking to build a bridge between Christianity and Islam. Instead, the speech has served to widened the gap between the faiths, outraging millions within the Muslim population.

“I hate the Pope!” commented Mehmet Aydin, an attendee of a protest outside of Basra, Iraq. “I hate the Pope and his mother for having him and her mother for having her.”

“I would love to drive a hot poker into his eyes,” Aydin explained, “and I wouldn’t jab it in all quick-like as some people I know do. No… I would go very slowly so that each inch of the poker reminded him of each lifetime he will spend burning in eternal hell.”

Aydin’s comments reflect the general feeling towards the Pope among those in attendance at the demonstrations. Protestors cannot understand why the Pope, the highest leader of the Vatican, would use his power to express such inflammatory and unfounded ideas.

“When the Pope says that Muslims are violent people, it makes me want to kill him!” screamed Aydin as he paused to shoot a round from his semi-automatic rifle into the air, “We are a peaceful people. We abhor violence. I don’t even own a security system!”

The Vatican sought to quell the growing protests Tuesday, when it issued transcripts of the Pope’s speech. The transcript reveals that the Pope was quoting 14th century Byzantine emperor Manuel II Paleologus. The quote reads: “Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.”

Rather than endorse the quote, the Pope instead used it as an example of the need of the faiths to learn from the past mistakes by seeking to avoid holy wars.

“The lessons of the past must help us to avoid repeating the same mistakes,” the Pope said. “We must seek paths of reconciliation and learn to live with respect for each other's identity.”

Such revelations, at first glance, should help calm the Muslim unrest. Protestors such as Sinjay Rathkam, however, see through the Pope’s comments with an amazingly perceptive eye.

“He said our Prophet Muhammad was a terrorist and that he used a sword,” said Rathkam. “He also said that Muhammad was a homosexual and that he was a communist and that he was a sex offender.”

“The idea that the Pope is trying to spread, that Muhammad was some sort of sword-wielding warrior, is pure Christian propaganda,” he said.

When reminded that Muhammad did in fact carry a sword and lead multiple groups into battle against groups he termed “infidels” Rathkam was quick to counter.

“There weren’t even such things as swords when Muhammad was alive,” he said.

The current protests are reminiscent of those seen last year when a caricature of the Muslim prophet Muhammad sparked worldwide outrage. Many of the demonstrators see it as a growing trend of disrespect towards the Muslim faith.

“That whole cartoon of the Prophet really pissed me off,” yelled Rahim Soharim as he danced around a burning stuffed Pope that he and his friend made. “I mean, to disrespect a leader like that is so completely out of bounds.”

“But then the Pope comes out and basically claims that Muhammad’s teachings propagate holy war and that…. that’s just crazy,” he said.

“I drew a picture of the Pope to help release some of my anger. It is of him burning in Hell and you can see my hand on the right side of the picture holding a stick with the Pope’s tongue attached to it.”

Soharim’s drawing is symbolic of the feelings of each of the protestors. They just want the world to understand that they are peaceful people who try to avoid violence. They will topple as many churches, burn as many Pope effigies, and kill as many nuns as is necessary to get that message out.

My Summer Vacation

Sorry I have been gone for so long. I have been out hunting stingrays. But I am back and I finally have some new posts. Below is an addition/combination I made to two local news articles. In order to fully understand my article, you really need to read the articles linked below. They are both short and worth reading.

http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,640199335,00.html
http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148&sid=397534

Ok, now you may proceed.


The paragraphs that didn't make it into the newspaper...


Meritorious Scout earns 121 badges (cont.)
And a whole bunch of new friends in the process

By Scott Brown

(cont.)…Dallin says that his favorite merit badge was the “working it undercover” merit badge where he was able to participate in a sting operation to crack down on gay sex in public parks.

"As first I wasn't so sure about walking alone through the park wearing a leather vest and some chaps with nothing underneath," Dallin said, "but the police told me that was the only way I could earn my merit badge."

Dallin's apprehension soon turned to excitement, however, when he found that many of the friends he made in the park shared similar interests with him.

"Whenever I try to talk to my dad about Dance Dance Revolution, it's like he just zones out and stops listening," Dallin said. “He always seems to have something else come up on the days of my tournaments."

"But these guys are all the same age as my dad and they love DDR. Big groups always form whenever I start dancing and they never take their eyes off of me. It is a little uncomfortable in the chaps, but I also don't get as hot."

For Dallin, all his work paid off, but he will be the first to tell you it wasn't easy.

"It was hard. It was really hard." he said, "but after awhile, you don't even realize you are working anymore and you actually start to like it."

Dallin has more than just a merit badge to remind him of his time in the park.

"The merit badge is great, but that is way down my list of cool things I got. My new friend Bryan gave me a Barbara Streisand greatest hits cd, Frank gave me a wonderful pants suit, and JD gave me his phone number."

For Dallin, the Boy Scout motto "Be Prepared" has always been something he has tried to follow. His time in the park, however, was full of new and exciting surprises.

"This experience has opened a whole new world to me. I had a lot of guy friends before, but not like this. This is definitely different."

Someone's Been Up to the Devil's Business

Like babies? Me too. That’s why my wife Ashley and I decided to start making them. As a result, we made one and it should be here around January. Today is Ashley’s 13-week mark, which means that her first trimester is over which means she isn’t going to be sick anymore. It also means that I have been a dad for 3 months! Here are a few of my favorite things about being a dad so far:

Mowing the lawn.
Telling jokes and hearing the baby laugh.
Feeling the baby kick.
Seeing the baby’s arm poke out of Ashley’s bellybutton.
Getting in fights with Ashley but keeping it down so as to not wake the baby.
Crocheting baby bonnets.
Finding out it was a boy two months earlier than normal.
Drinking root beer soda pop.

If you are reading this and are a dad or have ever thought about being a dad or a mom, let me know if there are any things that you like or maybe things that I haven’t done yet that you think I might like.

While we are talking, how about baby name’s? We haven’t really settled on anything but there are some names we both really like. Here are a few (add Brown to the end of each for full effect):

Nico Veramonte
Lex De Azevedo
Ronnie Brewer
Kolana Watson
Tyler Melendez
Jeremy (Pronounced Germy) Roush
Brittney Marble
Deedee Corradini
Randy Horiuchi

What names do you guys like? Here’s an idea: if you give a name and we choose it for our baby I will do a post on my blog entirely about you. The only rule is no curse words in the name (although the word curse itself may be used).

Peppermint Patties and Burlap Sacks

Me and my friend Brent aren't lawyers...but my sister Danielle and Brent's brother Jake are. When we are around them we listen to them and learn how to talk and negotiate in a lawyerly manner. Here is the transcript from a series of emails in which we discussed a upcoming party at my home:

Brent: We’re a go for Wednesday. Will there be refreshments? Mink pelts? Peppermint candies?

Me: Great! Yes, we are asking each couple to brings items such as mink pelts, peppermint patties, walking sticks, baskets, coon hats, vanilla bean, spices, potato logs, etc. in order to offer them up for trade with the other couples. There will be no guns or other forms of weaponry allowed. also the food will be the same as last time...only this time you get to bring soda pops.

Good, good. I love spices. I also have several burlap sacks I was thinking I might bring. Would you please check with Ashley (my wife) to see if that might be alright? Is there an established time for this gathering?

the gathering will begin at the start of the seven o'clock hour. for you that probably means 8:30. Ashley is concerned about the burlap sacks. are they genuine burlap? what color is the burlap? has it been tempered? will they be sold with some form of a conditioner? are they watertight?

All important questions in my opinion. We would appreciate a reply before we give our approval. It's our house where this is going to be, so we get to decide.

I forwarded this to Brittney to keep her informed of the negotiations.
We’ll get back to you with any necessary responses.

This is where Brent's friend Brittney gets involved.

You are free to involve Brittney...but I think it is inaccurate if you are presenting above items as "negotiations." The items heretofor presented are non-negotiable and final. there will be peppermint patties, there will be spices, and let me take this opportunity to add that there will be flavored bubblegum. As to your proposed burlap sacks, they will only be allowed at the trading table if and when they meet the standards set forth by the intenational board of burlap traders (see internationalboardofburlaptraders.com for said standards) i.e. no seepage, no shrinkage, no furrows, complete maleability, and so on and so forth.

To Brittney: He’s being pretty-heavy handed here. I don’t know if the burlap sacks will be such a good idea after all. Any ideas?

I was thinking it might be nice to take along some pogs, a bundle of papyrus or two, an assortment of colored slap bracelets (some with watches on them), and some flaxen cord. I’m also suggesting a stack of Lincoln logs in lieu of the potato logs he mentioned earlier.

Brett...now i'm getting kind of mad. first you put the hyphen in the wrong place on your first sentence opting for "pretty-heavy" intead of "heavy-handed"...confusing and inappropriate. second, are you deaf or at least illiterate? there will not be any "in lieu of's" at the party. You can propose Lincoln logs if you would like and Ashley and I will discuss that as a possibility, but it will not be to take the place of potato logs. The logs have already been purchased by another party involved and they did not keep the reciept...I know this becuase they purchased the logs without going through the approval process and I made them try to take them back. The only reason I am allowing them is because that party agreed to pay a stiff penalty. we are open to additional items being brought but there must be some sort of approval process in order to uphold the integrity of the entire get-together. For example, another party just got three items approved (a gargoyle, gunpowder, and a smeagol figurine) by following appropriate procedures.

Brittney…this is getting pretty ridiculous. Do you even still want to go? Although if someone is already bringing a Smeagol figurine, you might be able to get you hobbit and Gandalf figurines approved pretty easily (at least one would hope). I just don’t know…it seems like the get-together is getting pretty unorganized when there’s only one party with approval rights, and they (Scott and Ashley) don’t tell the rest of us what’s going on until after the fact. How can we plan amidst such disarray? I was going to offer to bring some chocolate milk (in sippy cups) and migratory bird identification flashcards, but now I’m wondering if it’s going to be worth the trouble.

I wrote to Brittney: Brittney, could you please tell Brent to stop being so rediculous? He's being
almost impossible to work with. Also, could you tell Brett that he kisses
girls? Thanks.

Britney replys: Can I bring my Frodo and Gandalf figurines? I mean if Smeagol gets to
come, they should be invited too. And I would hope after last night
that Brett would know he kisses girls.

That's an absurd question. And Scott, I'd appreciate you CC'ing me when
you're talking to Brittney about me. Only pansies hide behind email
addresses and firewalls.

Brett, it sounds as if you are taking this a little hard. Maybe it
would be best if I just went alone. I mean they really only want to see
me and maybe, if you behave, you can come next time.

After tempers cooled:

I just talked to Ashley and your burlap sacks have been approved. congratulations.

also approved:

any lord of the rings figurines
pogs
firewalls
migratory bird identification cards.

I have to go home now but we will continue our approval (or dissapproval as the case may warrant) tomorrow.

The following day:

Ashley and I discussed it last night and the following items have been added the accepted list:

Frodo and Gandalf figurines
chinese checkers
flowers (the fireworks, not the plants)
pressed leaves and flowers (the plants) from your scriptures
Chubby Checker greatest hits
1000 free America Online hours
Timmy T's single "One More Try" (cassette)
cowboy hat air freshner
ski boat
2 bundles of papyrus
slap bracelets (without watches)

The following items are still under consideration:

Lincoln logs (in lieu of nothing)
chocolate milk in sippy cups
slap bracelets (with watches)
Brent
aromatic air spray

This sounds good. I’d also like to request an injunction against Tommy bringing any of those vacuums he used to sell. And, I wanted to let you know that we’ll have corn husks and twine to go with the Frodo and Gandalf figurines. The corn husks and twine are not additional items, they go along with the figurines.

In addition, we’re planning on bringing the following items:

two walkie-talkies
one green rabbits foot (for luck as well as company)
several coin purses
a pair of capris (only used once)
a ball of rubberbands (wrapped around a golf ball)
a faded brown and red neckerchief

None of these items will be available for trade (except maybe the capris), they’re just for personal use. Please don’t let the others ask questions about them, or try to get us to trade them. We won’t do it (except the capris and maybe also a coin purse. The coin purses are made of leather and have impression stamped names on them).

Tommy has already been informed that he will not be allowed to bring anything vacuum related. He tried to pass the brush roll off as a back scratcher and a vacuum bag as something he labeled "the black hole" but Ashley noticed them and denied their entrance. Tommy was fined for his attemps at deception and I would advise you to avoid his example.

I guess I had better take this opportunity to inform you that each couple will only be allowed only 15 items for personal use. This includes any hair schrunchies, asthma sprayers, and paper mache items. All personal items will not be avaliable for trade and will not be made public to the other couples. However, all personal items must be declared to me and Ashley or they will not be allowed. This is not for us to excercise control over your items but rather to ensure we provide each couple with adequate space for all of their belongings.

Again, no weaponry will be allowed as personal items unless they no longer function as weapons...for example, Bryan will be bringing a gold encrusted single barrel colt pistol once owned by Wyatt Earp as a personal item (item made public with Bryan's permission).

the most recent addition to the accepted list is a star fish with the phrase "it mattered to that one" written across the top in sequines. This item is not a personal item and will be avaliable for trade.

Also, only one coin purse will be allowed per person as a personal item. You will have to sell all of the rest. What is written on them?

So that is where we are at so far. Do you think I am accommodating him too much? Should I tell him no to the flaxen cord under the rule that no weapons are allowed? What about the capris?