Peppermint Patties and Burlap Sacks

Me and my friend Brent aren't lawyers...but my sister Danielle and Brent's brother Jake are. When we are around them we listen to them and learn how to talk and negotiate in a lawyerly manner. Here is the transcript from a series of emails in which we discussed a upcoming party at my home:

Brent: We’re a go for Wednesday. Will there be refreshments? Mink pelts? Peppermint candies?

Me: Great! Yes, we are asking each couple to brings items such as mink pelts, peppermint patties, walking sticks, baskets, coon hats, vanilla bean, spices, potato logs, etc. in order to offer them up for trade with the other couples. There will be no guns or other forms of weaponry allowed. also the food will be the same as last time...only this time you get to bring soda pops.

Good, good. I love spices. I also have several burlap sacks I was thinking I might bring. Would you please check with Ashley (my wife) to see if that might be alright? Is there an established time for this gathering?

the gathering will begin at the start of the seven o'clock hour. for you that probably means 8:30. Ashley is concerned about the burlap sacks. are they genuine burlap? what color is the burlap? has it been tempered? will they be sold with some form of a conditioner? are they watertight?

All important questions in my opinion. We would appreciate a reply before we give our approval. It's our house where this is going to be, so we get to decide.

I forwarded this to Brittney to keep her informed of the negotiations.
We’ll get back to you with any necessary responses.

This is where Brent's friend Brittney gets involved.

You are free to involve Brittney...but I think it is inaccurate if you are presenting above items as "negotiations." The items heretofor presented are non-negotiable and final. there will be peppermint patties, there will be spices, and let me take this opportunity to add that there will be flavored bubblegum. As to your proposed burlap sacks, they will only be allowed at the trading table if and when they meet the standards set forth by the intenational board of burlap traders (see internationalboardofburlaptraders.com for said standards) i.e. no seepage, no shrinkage, no furrows, complete maleability, and so on and so forth.

To Brittney: He’s being pretty-heavy handed here. I don’t know if the burlap sacks will be such a good idea after all. Any ideas?

I was thinking it might be nice to take along some pogs, a bundle of papyrus or two, an assortment of colored slap bracelets (some with watches on them), and some flaxen cord. I’m also suggesting a stack of Lincoln logs in lieu of the potato logs he mentioned earlier.

Brett...now i'm getting kind of mad. first you put the hyphen in the wrong place on your first sentence opting for "pretty-heavy" intead of "heavy-handed"...confusing and inappropriate. second, are you deaf or at least illiterate? there will not be any "in lieu of's" at the party. You can propose Lincoln logs if you would like and Ashley and I will discuss that as a possibility, but it will not be to take the place of potato logs. The logs have already been purchased by another party involved and they did not keep the reciept...I know this becuase they purchased the logs without going through the approval process and I made them try to take them back. The only reason I am allowing them is because that party agreed to pay a stiff penalty. we are open to additional items being brought but there must be some sort of approval process in order to uphold the integrity of the entire get-together. For example, another party just got three items approved (a gargoyle, gunpowder, and a smeagol figurine) by following appropriate procedures.

Brittney…this is getting pretty ridiculous. Do you even still want to go? Although if someone is already bringing a Smeagol figurine, you might be able to get you hobbit and Gandalf figurines approved pretty easily (at least one would hope). I just don’t know…it seems like the get-together is getting pretty unorganized when there’s only one party with approval rights, and they (Scott and Ashley) don’t tell the rest of us what’s going on until after the fact. How can we plan amidst such disarray? I was going to offer to bring some chocolate milk (in sippy cups) and migratory bird identification flashcards, but now I’m wondering if it’s going to be worth the trouble.

I wrote to Brittney: Brittney, could you please tell Brent to stop being so rediculous? He's being
almost impossible to work with. Also, could you tell Brett that he kisses
girls? Thanks.

Britney replys: Can I bring my Frodo and Gandalf figurines? I mean if Smeagol gets to
come, they should be invited too. And I would hope after last night
that Brett would know he kisses girls.

That's an absurd question. And Scott, I'd appreciate you CC'ing me when
you're talking to Brittney about me. Only pansies hide behind email
addresses and firewalls.

Brett, it sounds as if you are taking this a little hard. Maybe it
would be best if I just went alone. I mean they really only want to see
me and maybe, if you behave, you can come next time.

After tempers cooled:

I just talked to Ashley and your burlap sacks have been approved. congratulations.

also approved:

any lord of the rings figurines
pogs
firewalls
migratory bird identification cards.

I have to go home now but we will continue our approval (or dissapproval as the case may warrant) tomorrow.

The following day:

Ashley and I discussed it last night and the following items have been added the accepted list:

Frodo and Gandalf figurines
chinese checkers
flowers (the fireworks, not the plants)
pressed leaves and flowers (the plants) from your scriptures
Chubby Checker greatest hits
1000 free America Online hours
Timmy T's single "One More Try" (cassette)
cowboy hat air freshner
ski boat
2 bundles of papyrus
slap bracelets (without watches)

The following items are still under consideration:

Lincoln logs (in lieu of nothing)
chocolate milk in sippy cups
slap bracelets (with watches)
Brent
aromatic air spray

This sounds good. I’d also like to request an injunction against Tommy bringing any of those vacuums he used to sell. And, I wanted to let you know that we’ll have corn husks and twine to go with the Frodo and Gandalf figurines. The corn husks and twine are not additional items, they go along with the figurines.

In addition, we’re planning on bringing the following items:

two walkie-talkies
one green rabbits foot (for luck as well as company)
several coin purses
a pair of capris (only used once)
a ball of rubberbands (wrapped around a golf ball)
a faded brown and red neckerchief

None of these items will be available for trade (except maybe the capris), they’re just for personal use. Please don’t let the others ask questions about them, or try to get us to trade them. We won’t do it (except the capris and maybe also a coin purse. The coin purses are made of leather and have impression stamped names on them).

Tommy has already been informed that he will not be allowed to bring anything vacuum related. He tried to pass the brush roll off as a back scratcher and a vacuum bag as something he labeled "the black hole" but Ashley noticed them and denied their entrance. Tommy was fined for his attemps at deception and I would advise you to avoid his example.

I guess I had better take this opportunity to inform you that each couple will only be allowed only 15 items for personal use. This includes any hair schrunchies, asthma sprayers, and paper mache items. All personal items will not be avaliable for trade and will not be made public to the other couples. However, all personal items must be declared to me and Ashley or they will not be allowed. This is not for us to excercise control over your items but rather to ensure we provide each couple with adequate space for all of their belongings.

Again, no weaponry will be allowed as personal items unless they no longer function as weapons...for example, Bryan will be bringing a gold encrusted single barrel colt pistol once owned by Wyatt Earp as a personal item (item made public with Bryan's permission).

the most recent addition to the accepted list is a star fish with the phrase "it mattered to that one" written across the top in sequines. This item is not a personal item and will be avaliable for trade.

Also, only one coin purse will be allowed per person as a personal item. You will have to sell all of the rest. What is written on them?

So that is where we are at so far. Do you think I am accommodating him too much? Should I tell him no to the flaxen cord under the rule that no weapons are allowed? What about the capris?